From Hate, I Remember Love (11/45)

Received my first death threat email last night along with two of my pieces flagged for deletion.

For those who need an end to my project, you only have 34 more days!  You don't need to off me!

To help me regain perspective, I would like to share some of the kind, friendly notes some of you have sent me.  I may not get to answer all of them, because of the daily nature of the project, I contact first the Charlottesville people who express specific plans or fantasies, show themselves to be interesting as well as interested, and send me face pictures instead of typical headless in the first ad response.  But, I do appreciate that all of you took time to respond.

“Intriguing story, definitely drew my attention.” NS

 “Hi! I though your cl post was very intriguing. You had me at Arnold Palmer's” VL

“Hi I am really intrigued by these meetings.” EW

“Hello there!  First, I'd just like to say that your ad is a breath of fresh air on Craigslist.  98% of the casual encounters W4M ads on here are laughably fake, you at least seem real.” BH

“All of your posts have been making me extremely horny. “ TR

“Hey There, You certainly have a unique CL posting.  I would love to know more about your writing project and how you handle, what I imaging are, horrible responses.” PO

“That was totally hot!!! Love it:)” Anonymous

“It seems as if I elected to move from Charlottesville many years too soon.  Who knew that such a naughty, intelligent being would be there later?  One that could satisfy me both mentally and physically. “ AB

“In the early morning light,
   I dreamed of you...
Kissing your lips,
   My fingers running thru your hair...

In the pale moonlight,
   You were standing
By the great Oak tree,
   Calling my name...
Come to thee

Whispers on the winds of time,
   Turning, rolling in my mind
Fire burning
   Brightly in my heart
Reaching across time
  Feeling your body
Next to mine...

Kissing and caressing,
   Rolling thru time
Dreaming in the...
   Pale Morning Light”
Anonymous

“ I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts. I bet you are a lot of fun!” DF

“I liked your craigs postings, especially the library one. Pretty hot, and daring. I am not a big Chaucer guy, or at least not yet :) Maybe you can turn me on to him? I'm more of a Cheever type. But I also have a strong background in Chinese poetry and early to mid 20th century American poetry. Regardless, here's mine. Would love to meet a woman intriguing enough to write such unique posts to craigs.

Forgiveness

The summer before fifth grade
we went to my uncle’s rectory
down the Cape for a week.
Monsignor Flaherty staked
tomatoes out by the garage
in a white t-shirt, cigarette
dangling from his pockmarked face.
My uncle said the bishop sent
him, thought the salt air
might keep him sober.
Besides, they needed someone
to say the early Mass in Latin
and absolve sins in Portuguese,
even if all in a brogue.

Flaherty owned two shaggy mutts,
Michael and Margaret, one brown,
the other black, one named after
a superior, the other the woman
who drove him into the priesthood.
The two people I like least in this world
he told us after supper one night.
I began to ask why he would name them
that way, but my mother cut me off
All right, off to bed now. Later I heard
her tell my father behind their closed door,
I don’t want him around that drunk.

He was sitting at the kitchen table reading
the Herald’s obituaries when I came down
early the next morning. The dogs licked
sand out of their paws from their walk.
I asked him about the names in a low voice.
He smiled, kept his eyes on the paper.
Because it seems to free my soul
of the animosity it holds against
those poor people when I say
Heel, Maggie! Sit, Michael!”
S

“Hello.  Today's post was the second one of your writings that I was fortunate enough to come across. Your style of writing is both intriguing and arousing. I extend a thank you for you choosing to share this project with us.” MR

“Wanted to let you know that I have been reading more of your ads/mini blogs on craigslist and I find them fascinating. I love the choice of language and tone.” WM

“Untitled

Somewhere between nothing done and my own damn fault
you find the words, buried in time, the time wasted long before
looking for a space to bury the words you've lost.
somewhere between the entrenched decision
and the long discarded task, where words alone,
buried in time, attest to times buried
in the space acquired, through constant
consistent begging, through profit, loss of an instant
carried through time, time and the words whose content timed
the con substantial being of such words: "What am I saying":
"What have I done": You know the answer at least
to one of those two questions, the irredeemable loss
of time's last word. You know for a moment
the spade digging through dirt, where memories dug
from somewhere dig back, and force dirt from the mind,
if buried too long in frozen moment, another question can surface
"How long has this task been about": Or rather "When did it start
and, "Where will it end?"
WD

“Hi,  I've greatly enjoyed reading your adventures.  Thank you for sharing. - A Fan “ AG

“I saw your ad and few days ago but did not respond.  Because of the post being up again,  I do not doubt your "realness".I find your project interesting.  And ad that length I normally would not read because I'd become bored lol. However I did read yours and did not lose my intrigue.” B

“That is so weird. (Hot, but weird). You honestly sound so sexy. Wow “ MS

“This ad interests me, seems like fun but don't know what to expect.” DM

Kondescending Kunt Unsolicited Online Dating Advice #8 What's Shame Got To Do With It?

Some of my friends and some of you Charlottesville craigslist readers think this project is a waste of time, and I am only going to broaden my network to include anonymous bullies, the painfully socially awkward, and craigslist killers and rapists.

But, I think this project has helped me see that a lot of the men on craigslist are dealing with some sort of shame.  And, it is the shame that drives them into the anonymity and the awkwardness.

I feel this, because when I am shameless and focus on what I want, some of the men shift from the normal craigslist tropes and invite me to do some of the most fascinating play I've never done.

Some, however, think that my sexual liberation must mean creating more shame in them.  They want me to engage in traditionally BDSM humiliation tactics with them such as golden showers, anonymous oral sex, anal stretching, and adult baby play.  They send me constant requests for this, even though all of the experiences I've shared are about glorification and exploration not glory holes and degradation.

Interesting, I advised one of my responders who was pretending to be a Charlottesville, sapiosexual,  UVA professor to find a dom chick who would want to do some of the things he asked.  Next, I see the familiar cucumber anal stretching request in the casual encounters from the very young man in Waynesborro who used to repeatedly advertise how he wanted a woman who wouldn't hurt him.  I don't pretend to know which he really wants, but I did notice the change in his tactics.

And, I think his choice to lie and poorly pretend to be what someone wanted does not stem from being an asshole but from shame.  If you are continuously honest about what you want and who you are and you get no attention, eventually shame sets in.  And, when you see someone asking for someone, you want to be that someone... at least to get what you want.  

This type of shame made one gentleman treat me first as a fraud.  Then, when he realized his accusations, secrecy, and mendacity might block him from a fun experience, he adjusted and was honest with me.  We hung out and did an exhibitionist photo shoot. 

However, another chose to try to shame me for taking the exhibitionist's photos and writing a poem about him, because he supposedly did not fit the appropriate, attractive male body image.  Only shaved or hairless, thin or athletic men deserve to be photographed or lusted after. As a larger, size activist familiar with how cruel people may be with fatter people, I saw this as more of the shamer's problems than problems with my photography or choice in model.

And, I've dealt with these type of "normal" people more interested in shaming than having fun in my regular, offline life.  I am sure you have too.  Maybe, that is what brings you here... a hope for a place where shame does not reign supreme.

Truly the Charlottesville craigslist casual encounters community isn't very different from the offline one.

I mean, women find plenty of the bullies, the socially awkward, the killers, and the rapists without ever looking at a casual encounter ad.

So, here's to the shameless Charlottesville craigslist guy!  I know you are out there and willing to play!  Thank you for making this project interesting, and my personal life more enriching!

Kondescending Kunt Unsolicited Online Dating Advice #1 "Starting A Relationship Expecting The Other Person to Be 'Not Real' Or A 'Scam'"

Him: "Are you real?"

Me: "No!"

Another Him: "Are you real?"

Me: "Most likely as real as you appear to be right now."

Another: "Are you real?"

Me: "Yes, but uninterested in this line of questioning."

Yet Another: "Are you real?"

Me: "I am, but you are not."

YA: "Why did you say that?"

Me: "I thought I should meet your obvious dubiousness with some of my own."

A Bunch Of Other Hims: "Are you real?"

Unanswered and ignored.

Treating someone whom you do not know and has never hurt nor bothered you like they are a liar, a thief, a scam artist, a fraud... is rude.

Demanding up front proof that someone is "real" and "serious" without providing proof that you are both... is rude.

Implying that someone is not real or scamming you, when she has not asked any payment or identity information like mother's maiden name or credit card information or driver's license information... is rude.

Telling someone that the only people you encounter online are fakes and that is why you are mean instead of apologizing...is rude.

Risking alienating others by accusing strangers of wrong doing is again rude, comes off as paranoid, and is not an effective way to start any type of social encounter.

Also, punishing a new person or group for something another person from your past has done is a negative pattern that you will have to break, if you are ever going to have a successful relationship with anyone online or off.

In addition, a thinking person would have to wonder why someone so jaded continues to answer ads especially if they cannot find it in them to act with a modicum of trust or politeness?  I guess misery loves to create more miserable company.  And, hurting people sometimes seek out more people to hurt.  They aren't really interested in meeting someone offline. It's just another form of online bullying and wasting people's time. So, in a way these demanders of realness and seriousness are neither real nor serious themselves.

The few men I have met offline from craigslist definitely did not start our encounters doubting my integrity or truthfulness.  They accepted me at face value and returned their own unique, personal responses.

If you really doubt the sincerity, honesty, reality of an ad, do everyone a favor and simply don't answer it.

Welcome To My Project!

Dreams can be dangerous experiences.  They may guide you to paths that others find crazy, confusing, and condescending.  They may also guide you off cliffs and maybe in the process teach you to fly.

In my dream, I reduced rape culture and increased the safety of brown and black trans sex workers.  I made this magic by changing in small ways how people connected with each other in anonymous, sexual encounters like those advertised in Charlottesville, Virginia craigslist casual encounters personal ads.

I woke up wanting to understand and possibly adjust this niche culture.  I thought maybe I could help, because I loved writing and had a University of Virginia BA in English Lit. had an understanding of wanting to overcome social disconnect from my experience as a mental health peer support specialist, and had a comfortable way of suggesting changes or improvements from my life coach certification.

Also, I was open to participating in instead of judging a space that would become really sex positive instead of constantly dealing with deceit as discretion and shame instead of sexual liberation.

As you may realize if you read some of my passages... when I am not being naughty, I write about being naughty among other things. :)

To get the full range of experience, sometimes I posted as myself, more traditionally attractive women, and men.

When I started this project documenting my experiences using Charlottesville, VA craigslist casual encounters and sharing unsolicited online dating advice, I celebrated by committing to meeting up with at least one respondent to my ads a day until they expired in forty five days. However, my ads never last more than 24 hours. :)

What am I into?

Only interested in other Cvillians.

I am poly.

As for the rest...depends on the man who answers the call. 

I wasn't sure what I would find. I wasn't sure I could really change anything.

So far, I have one primary relationship with a fabulous workaholic, a benefit friend with a guy who is incredibly busy raising his kids, getting through his divorce, and work, a guy who sends me fractured Shakespearean sonnets daily, and photography sessions with a local exhibitionist. 

If you are okay with me writing about our experiences (while protecting your identity of course), you should leave me a comment or email kondescendingkunt@gmail.com.

Just a few tips about me...

My preferred beverages are mango lasses, chai milkshakes, and arnold palmers. My preferred movement is dance and Downtown Mall strolls. My preferred position is doggy. My preferred birth control is condoms. My preferred time to play is on a weekday.

I dislike cunnilingus, hiking, yoga, coffee shops, and making arbitrary lists about likes/dislikes for online strangers. :)

And, the kurious name of Kondescending Kunt kame from one of the men I made angry during my research.  It seemed so lofty and erotic at the same time, I just had to keep it.

If you would like to know more, please be specific and ask.

Cheers!
Veronica Haunani